She Let Him Fly
by ProfTweety
Summary: Many times over the years, Sharon thought it best to let Jack fly. Neither thought she would ever want him to fly away for good.


_**She Let Him Fly**_

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing related to _Major Crimes_ ; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction. All / _lyrics_ / are from "I'm Gonna Let Him Fly" in the Jennifer Nettles version.

 **A/N** : Many times over the years, Sharon thought it best to let Jack fly. Neither thought she'd ever let him fly away for good.

 **A/N2** : _Enjoy_! Please leave a _review_ if y'all's feel so inclined. They are ever so lovely to read and _much_ appreciated. # **TodayIsLife**

~~~~~PT~~~~~

When Sharon O'Dwyer first met Jack Raydor on campus, there was nothing she didn't like about him. He was handsome, charming and fun. He could also hold actual conversations that showed his intelligence. He was perfect!

As the years went on, she saw his demons rear up but made excuses for them and believed his. The children came and though he was excited and proud, he was also overwhelmed and unprepared. He'd left most of the parenting to her, always hiding behind having things to do that kept him away from home. One of those things was drinking at the bar he and his friends frequented far too often. Years down the line, she would find out about the women with whom he spent too much time; women he slept with before he came home to her.

The first letter he'd ever left her hit her the hardest. Knowing they were having problems and reading them spelled out as the reason he had to go were vastly different and her heart squeezed inside her with a physical pain she'd never before known. Hard as she tried, she never forgot that last paragraph. _You knew I couldn't handle this. You knew I needed my escape. Rather than support me as a good wife should, you nagged and berated me for my shortcomings. Well, Sharon, now you get a break from them. Maybe when you miss me enough, you'll reconsider your behavior towards me._

 _/Ain't no talkin' to this man/Ain't no pretty other side/Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride/It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that/I'm gonna let him fly/_

She'd let him go. What else could she do? He was already gone by the time she read the letter. Lacking choice, she let him fly. When he wanted to come back home and make their marriage work, she allowed it. Because their children needed a proper family. Because she loved her husband. Forgiveness was a part of her religion, a part of her life, and so she practiced it for the better good of the four of them. Her family. She _loved_ her family.

Over the years, his language towards her while drunk became more bitter, more emotionally abusive, and harder to ignore. The letters happened more often. She'd come to believe that, _for her_ , marriage meant being together sometimes and being apart most others. Marriage meant taking care of herself and her children alone and taking care of them and her husband when he was back. Marriage meant hiding behind her wedding band at work in order to climb the ranks. She remembered taking it off one night when he'd been gone too long and the LAPD no longer cared if she wore it or not. She _never_ put it back on, even when he came back home and into her bed.

 _/There is no mercy in a live wire/No rest at all in freedom/Choices we are given/It's no choice at all/The proof is in the fire/You touch before it moves away/But you must always know/How long to stay and when to go/_

Sharon's parents were initially aghast at the legal separation. Why, that was practically a divorce! As each Christmas came and went in Park City, Jack's absence became harder to ignore. The stories of their grandchildren recounting all the wonderful memories they were making with only their mother began to make them doubt their initial reaction. The sadness in their daughter's eyes when Jack came up in conversation, when people asked where he was or how he was doing or why he wasn't there again, brought them a clarity regarding the true state of Sharon's marriage, her broken heart and her continued love for the husband who rarely lived with her.

She hadn't mentioned the letters to her parents. That was _her_ pain to bear and to hide. One night though, Emily had seen her crying as she held the latest note. Tiptoeing, she made her way over to the couch and took it from her mother's hands, quickly read it and gave it back to her. "No, Emily, you mustn't read these." That told the girl her mother had saved them. In her next conversation with her grandmother, she mentioned it all. That night in their living room, sneaking into her mother's bedroom the next day and finding the others, reading all the hurtful words her father left for her mother to carry within her.

For the very first time, Sharon's mother called to tell her daughter to divorce Jack. In response to an unasked question, she had quietly added, "I may not be in Los Angeles, Sharon, but I hear things. Your father and I have thoroughly discussed this matter and we agree on this. Divorce him to protect yourself and your children. Jack doesn't deserve you." It was true, he didn't but she loved him and so she continued to allow him to stay with her for two or three nights when he showed up. In time of need, she took him into her bed and listened to his promises of doing better by her. In times of love, she believed him. But the letters always happened and she aways let him fly.

People knew of Sharon what she allowed them to see. Usually that didn't include her personal pain. Eventually she found out from Emily how her mother knew things. Eventually she found out from Ricky that while they loved their father, they didn't respect him. How could they when he treated her so badly? She began to wonder if they would soon lose respect for her for putting up with it. At some point, she might have to let Jack fly for good. Her heart ached at the thought and she put it to the back of her mind.

 _/Things can move at such a pace/The second hand just waved good-bye/You know the light had left his face/But you can't recall just where or why/So there was really nothing to it/I just went and cut right through it/I'm gonna let him fly/_

Rusty Beck was an unexpected blip in her life as was the transfer from FID to Major Crimes. His comment, "Someone married you?!" reminded her of the last letter she'd found from Jack after he flew away yet again. It was more hurtful then the others had been and she would never forget the last paragraph. Again, the last damn paragraph. Why did he always have to put the most pain in his final words to her? _After all these years, Sharon, I've come to wonder why I ever married you. The person I thought you were never existed. You wonder why I can't stay with you. You wonder why our marriage didn't work. You wonder why I drank. You wonder why I had to go to other women. Look at yourself, Sharon, and stop wondering. Had you been a better wife, more understanding and patient, had you loved me better, you wouldn't be wondering about anything because I'd still be there._

Making the decision to adopt Rusty meant she had to reconsider her marital status. 27 years of a legal separation during a 34 year marriage. Their record wasn't good. She loved him but not enough to let go of Rusty being her son. Calling her attorney, she had him draw up both adoption and divorce papers. Jack would make the final decision and she would go along with it as usual. Somehow as much as he had needed to fly, he had remained in her heart.

His reaction to the adoption papers came as no surprise. Thinking about how she really wanted this to go, she'd realized she _did_ have a preference. She realized she didn't just want Jack to make the decision by himself. She realized that after all those years, all those experiences, and all those damn letters, she was ready to let her husband fly away for good. Neither of them thought she'd _ever_ reach that decision.

Lying there in her bed, alone in the dark, remembering the last time they'd been together and the reason why it happened, she whispered, "I will probably always love you, Jack." Thinking about that letter she'd never read, the one she'd just torn up while still sealed, and the tears that had fallen once again, she murmured, "Good-bye, Jack." Her heart didn't hurt. It didn't tightly contract. It didn't speed up. Her heart merely continued beating as it always did. This told her it was the right decision for her, the right time in her life to do it. She was ready to let Jack fly away once and for all.

 _/And there ain't no talkin' to this man/He's been trying to tell me so/It took a while to understand/The beauty of just letting go/'Cause it would take an acrobat/I already tried all that/I'm gonna let him fly/_

When Ricky spoke to her about divorcing his father to adopt a street kid and mentioned her _ever so lonely_ heart, she saw her son but heard his _father's_ words. Addressing it immediately, she'd let him know how truly disappointed she was in him. She saw the guilt and shame immediately in the sadness of his eyes.

That night, she thought about her _ever so lonely_ heart and decided that love probably wasn't in her future. She tried so hard, for so many years, with Jack. She tried everything she could to make him a better husband, a better father, and had failed every time. No, love wasn't in the cards for her. Some were lucky and it lasted a lifetime. Some kept trying; after each failure, they'd pick themselves up and do it all over again. That night Sharon made the decision that if love presented another opportunity she _would_ take it but she'd _protect_ herself because she knew what laying it all on the table cost.

 _/I'm gonna let him fly/_

The day she received the final decree, she thought she'd be more upset. Instead, once she was done thinking about the emotional scars she carried and the failure of a marriage she thought would last forever, she looked towards the future. She could now legally make Rusty her son. Her good friend Andy shared in her joy at their dinner to celebrate her divorce and the end of that very long, mostly sad, chapter in her life. While some may have thought those would be his words, they were, in fact, _hers_.

That night with her friend, she celebrated her strength, her children, her life, and the unknown possibilities of what lay ahead for her. She celebrated letting Jack fly away for good. Her heart beat at its regular pace and didn't tighten in her chest once.

"Sometimes, after they've tried everything, the best thing a person can do for themselves is to let go," Andy had told her. He meant it to be supportive; there was no ulterior motive behind his words. Having a crush on her notwithstanding, he _was_ a supportive friend. She deserved that.

Finding happiness after telling Jack to fly away forever was something she'd earned after all those years of trying _everything_. Being happy, yes, she _deserved_ that.

[ **The End** ]


End file.
